By Gayla (Gail) Feinstein
I lie bare on the bed graciously receiving the luminosity that is being offered by the fullness of the moon. Knowing that I have timed it just right, the light enters through the high window of the vaulted ceiling. I stroke my body and tune into sensation – touching and being touched. The sensuous presence of the moonlight rests softly on my body and soul inviting me into my full erotic self. Feeling the wildness that inhabits the mystery of night, the moon and I are embraced by the vast stillness of dark.
Sensing the anticipatory thrill of this connection, I step into a partnership that is utterly familiar while also strangely new. I feel her roundness, fullness, wholeness and holiness seeping in and flowing through and around me, and awaken to her shimmering warmth and sensuality. As I slow the tempo, breathe deeper and rest in the pausing, I offer her my being, relaxing into full receptivity and co-creation, the pulsing pleasure of embodiment. Ever slower still…softening and opening even wider – dwelling in the moist earth of my undulating body – beyond thought and mind. Ahhh… the rapture of relational rhythm and resonance…there are no words. I can die now.
I wonder why I am telling you this – something so personal, so intimate. I notice a quickening of heart beats, streaming sensations down my arms and a shallowness of breath. What do I want you to know? Listening to what’s stirring, I feel my feet on the ground and anchor into my breathing. Could this be a ‘coming out’ story? Perhaps, it is time.
The year of the pandemic has invited me to reflect on my life and make the preciousness of each moment more vivid, knowing that the moments that I have breathed are many more than the moments of breath I have left. Feeling urgency, I have begun to contemplate how I let myself be known and how I still stay hidden in my gestalt community. Telling you about my relationship with the moon feels risky yet imperative – maybe even exciting. I realize that what I cherish most and that which nourishes me fully is what I have been protecting. I will finally bring it forward and fully integrate it. I will keep it hidden no more. And now that I am more comfortable with being visible I see so clearly how all that I express here is the relational field of gestalt.
A year of isolation has deepened my ability to integrate and assimilate the spiritual, natural, divine feminine and gestalt worlds into a radical collaborative daily living. I’ve recovered resources within myself that I thought I hadn’t needed to call upon. I live in the mountains surrounded by a forest of majestic trees and beautiful forms, sounds and textures of nature. Each day during this most challenging year I’ve been supported, rescued and uplifted by the relationship I have with Mother Earth which is deeply grounded in my renewed emphasis on field theory, the interconnectedness of all things that is held dear by me.
On days filled with anxiety and fear, I step outside and look at a tree and say “teach me how to live my life as a prayer.” As I open myself to listen, the tree becomes the prayer and my teacher. And then, the sky, the clouds, the wind become my teacher. This is my Earth school teaching me how to move into awe and reverence. Now I understand how to be in connectedness and generosity. Bowing to the sacredness of the field transcends my anxiety and fear. And when I feel that I cannot bear another moment of the bone-wrenching sorrow and broken-heartedness, I lay on the ground, belly to belly, heart to heart. Trusting, connecting, allowing the simplicity of being together, breathing together. Then I can bear the unbearable.
And when the news reminds me of the systemic devaluing of the feminine, the dominance and violence over and toward women and our beloved earth, I call in the relational attitude of gestalt that is respectful and reverent. This brings an openness to otherness, cultivating sacred partnership with self, other and the planet. And when I am captured by the loneliness and disconnection, I open my treasure chest of sensuous earthly practices and choose vulva rooting. Beginning with breathing and weaving roots deep and wide into earth’s body – I draw up the energy being offered – sensing into the relational rhythm of the beautiful reciprocity. This radical collaborative engaging and profound interconnectedness eases the pain.
What I’ve kept separate and meticulously protected is the most significant, relevant and essential part of my life and who I am. When I came out years ago, I was met with aversion and negativity. I learned to shrink and silence myself as I protected what was most precious to me. The gift of this past year was and is the invitation and demand to come into full presence, full visibility. With courage, support and wisdom to meet whatever comes my way, I am taking my seat in our community.
I clearly know and trust that when I connect with the greater field of life, I remember who I am.
And just in case you couldn’t tell – I swoon over the moon. And I am deeply grateful for this opportunity to share with you.
Gayla is devoted to cultivating a culture of deep embodied relatedness that shifts us from a place of separation and domination to one of partnership and collaboration that emphasizes the interconnection between personal and planetary well-being. She is a lover of slowing down, the flows and forms of nature, ritual, community, awakened mutuality and holding space for ‘other’ to come into balance, full flourishing and revel in their freedom.