Belinda Harris: A personal exploration of polarities
Photo by Paolo Bendandi on Unsplash
March/April: Nil by mouth
Forty-seven days
Bone dry mouth, white coated tongue.
Body awash with infection.
Plastic tubes invade both hands with
Steroids, anti-biotics, anti-inflammatories,
Plus other antis to counter those.
Speechless,
Voicebox and vocal chords crushed.
Pen and paper plug the gap
Whatsapp messages connect the outside world
People that matter
People that care.
The life I’d had.
Will I enjoy that life again?
Each setback another heartbreak
Another challenge
The fever and shaking return.
May: Tentative steps
First swallow an effort,
My throat remembers,
Resists,
I lean in, to sooth and coax
The terrified woman and child inside.
They yield.
Water seeps through,
Cool relief.
June: Exuberance
The first morsel explodes on my tongue.
Like a beautiful dawn rising in the East.
I am transported back to Oma’s* kitchen.
Four widows sit at the table.
Survivors of war, rape and unimaginable horrors,
They work, nattering intently,
And protect me from too much knowing.
The vase of homegrown flowers
A constant reminder of loved ones gone.
Tante Mitzi scrapes the skins off hot potatoes,
Tante Annie chops tomatoes, scallions and dill, freshly harvested.
Frau Hoyack rests her head on the crook of her stick,
Wrinkles vibrating with loving kindness.
Oma cooks lunch on her wood stove
Joining the conversation now and again.
Their talk and laughter warm my heart.
I belong here - I am home.
*Oma - my Austrian grandmother
August: Relish
Finally, silence descends
While body scars are quietly healing
Magical flavours and textures, still savoured
As if for the first time, after a famine.
Bliss returns
Again
A new chapter begins.
September: Still point
The pain, despair, hope and joy
All potent reminders of life’s precariousness
Abide with me.
So too, my body’s deeper knowing of tenderness
Gifted by loving communities,
Old, present and emergent.
This home, new and different,
But my home, nonetheless.
This ‘work in progress’ poem reflects some of my experience following a small accidental event in March 2023. Unfortunately, this event had dire repercussions, almost costing me my voice and my life. I am very grateful to all those who supported me with such generosity of spirit, from my internalised elders and ancestors, my old primary/secondary school ‘coven’ friends, through to my family, neighbours, colleagues, friends, spirit guides, and hospital team. I could not have wished for, and certainly never expected such an outpouring of caring and love, a protective force-field around me. I feel blessed.
Belinda Harris, PhD
Gestalt psychotherapist, coach, supervisor and trainer
Chair of UKAGP 2017-2022
Nottingham, UK
Contact: drbelindamharris@gmail.com
